she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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