i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize