i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
