We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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