Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
i think my cat just said my name.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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