is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
