Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
