Plan B is the new Plan A
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
