I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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