The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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