I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
