So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
