First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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