What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
