i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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