I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
