I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
