Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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