whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
