I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
