I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
