i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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