oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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