I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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