Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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