Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
