Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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