Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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