Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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