he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
