You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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