Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
