Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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