She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I didn't notice because vodka
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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