you win again, gameday.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize