I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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