am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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