I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
