Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
