Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
