I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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