You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm always down for nudity.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
