In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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