i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
