just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
