U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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