Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
