Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
