someone threw a dead crab at me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Someone came in the potted fern
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
