I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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