it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
