If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish š
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a āfireplaceā station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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