I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
