I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
the gays at disneyland are vicious
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
