What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
