Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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