I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
