I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
