tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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