someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
