What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
